Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Want to Stay Overweight? Do this!

So, you're tired of trying to lose weight. You realize you'll never look like Brooklyn Decker or that dude from Thor. Plus, working out and eating right are just to difficult. Exercising makes you tired. Sometimes, you even feel like throwing up after. You feel like you should be able to reward yourself with ice cream after your many accomplishments. You are who you are and people should just accept you.

Well, I'm here to help. Below are some tips to help you stay overweight.

First, make sure the most exercise you get is getting on and off the couch. If you have an older couch, getting off may be to difficult, so make sure you ask for some assistance. Plus, while you're on the coach you can watch the newest season of "Big Brother."

Getting to the gym and scheduling time to workout is so hard. Your day is probably already full of things like eating, sleeping, watching tv, playing on the internet, and reading your "friends" Facebook updates. You need to have your priorities. Exercise or taking a nap. If you want to stay overweight, go with taking a nap.

Second, if you have to exercise and go to the gym (you know, to make your spouse think you really do want to get into shape), just do a couple sets of bicep curls and leg extensions. Isolation exercises will do little if nothing to help you drop the pounds.

Third, it is important that you eat whenever you feel like it. If you are the slightest bit hungry or bored eat. Also, make sure you frequent fast foot establishments, and always "biggie size" it. I understand. A lot of healthy food just doesn't taste as good as chips, cookies, sugary cereal, soda and white bread.

Finally, make sure you blame your weight on your "thyroid problem". I have heard this excuse so often. The great thing about this excuse is people will probably buy it and not even think of questioning you.

An added benefit of being overweight is the great example you set for your kids. Just think, by you being overweight there is a greater likelihood your kids will be overweight (sorry, stocky). Doesn't he look happy?

If you want to be overweight, it's easy. Just keep doing what your doing. Don't exercise. Or, if you must, make sure you get a good bicep pump with those pink dumbbells. Eat a lot and often. Remember your thyroid. And make sure you tell your kids its not so bad being overweight.